//Adapted and developed material from before
-Hello, Hello. Before I start my act I'd just like to warn those in the audience of the dark nature of my show and would like to just clear up quickly that Rape is no joke
-It's the punchline
-So I'm kinda new here, so I'd like to introduce myself:
-I'm Danny Lambert and my friends often call me 'just abit rape-y'
-Now, rape, it can't be that bad, I mean statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
-and I know Dark humour isn't everyone's cup of liquidised dead baby...
-but if you expected me to tea, this performance certainly wont be PG.
-Talking of PG, I like to think me and that Monkey Puppet from the adverts are actually quite similar,
-I mean despite making fat, mentally challenged men tea every morning
-It's actually rare we don't have some greasey 40 year old man's hand up our arse
-I try, I try so hard not to be rape-y! but I think it all started last year with my ex....
-we was trying abit of role-playing for the first time, I was positioned like this, and she wanted me to play my father
-I thought it was abit weird but I went with it
-Fucking bitch wasn't happy when I left her for her six year old sister
-I'm so sad we broke up
-She was so great in bed for a six year old
-and you know it's a bad Valentine's Day when the lamppost at the end of the road gets more cards and flowers than you do.
-and you know it's been a worse Valentine's Day when you shoot your super model girlfriend assuming she's an intruder
-I actually got an accidental Valentine's text, it read:
-Hi honey, on my way home now, can't wait for a special dinner, Love you loads
-kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, Kiss.
-Aww I thought it was so sweet so being Valentine's Day I thought I'd have a bit of fun so I text back
-Don't bother, I don't love you, you're a cunt and I've have been shagging your eldest daughter.
-Should have seen my Mum's face when she got home.
-About my sister, I think it's a girl thing right, but she always makes it really obvious when she's on her period
-I know because my Dad's cock tastes like blood.
//Completely New material below
-Anyway, back to this idea of 'rape-y'. A common misconception is that
'rape-y' implies that supposedly I rape people
-What my friends are actually implying is that supposedly I'm a racist, perverted, paedophile who often enjoys kidnapping, beastiality, incest and gay sex.
-Oh and don't forget rape
-Now there are two rumours that go 'round why they think this of me:
-One's because my middle name's Joseph and they therefore relate me to Joseph Fritzl who imprisoned his daughters in a dungeon as sex slaves.....good man
-The other's because I hate black people, love watching people I don't know get naked, stole and fucked Madeline in Portugal 2007, as well as shagging 8 dogs, a cat, often my family...in their sleep, and have had 13 prostate exams.... all voluntary
-and not to mention for all the times I've heard "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth"
-Someone has woken up the next morning dazed and confused with my cum dripping slowly out their arse
-Some mornings even two people
//Long story *also new*
-but I honestly don't think being 'rape-y's that bad; it just abit of fun
-Get this, right. Last night I grabbed a woman walking through the same alley I was.
-I put my hand around her mouth, pulled down my trousers and put a gun to her head.
-"Right, your gonna suck my cock" I whispered
-"Try to bite it, I'll blow your head off. Try to fight me off, I'll blow your head off.
Just do as I say and you won't be harmed"
-She was crying as I shoved her head down, keeping my gun there as she sucked to the best of her ability, in order to save her life.
- Then I grabbed her, shoved her against the wall and sucked her tits, biting her nipples, keeping one hand over her mouth, and always with the gun by her head.
-Then I went for the Jack pot, I pulled her underwear down, and fucked her as hard as I could, no empathy for her what so ever
-I knew I was nearly finished so I pulled out and finished myself off, cuming all over her chest and tits
-They were slightly bleeding where I'd been biting.
-Then, before I disappeared into the darkness, I pointed the gun right between her eyes and whispered "Bang"
-I pulled the trigger and I before I knew it, she got proper soaked with my water pistol
-Me and my practical jokes!
//Back to one liners *new*
-I think most of you in the audience will agree with me here:
-Consent is such a turn off
-but when you think about it...is it even rape if she cums too?
-Is it even rape if you don't wake them up?
-Surely it's not rape if you leave a fiver
-but the real question is...is it even rape if it wags its tail?
-I realise that most comedians aren't like me
-they try to be more relatable with their audiences so I'm gunna see if I can relate with any of the audience members here
-What d'you get if two Muslims hop on the same train you're on?
-Off
-I mean don't get me wrong, I like Muslims, but after feeling suicidal over my bad breakup last year
-I called up the Islamic Samaritans for advice but they just got excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane
-Of course I can fly a plane, my Dad's a pilot, I basically grew up in his cockpit
I think I've defiantly done well to develop this new material but feel like I'm losing direction so I'm going to practice and revise what I've got to check the length, considering, hopefully, there will be pauses for laughs. For my final piece I'd like the routine to go on for about ten minutes but five minutes at the least.
//Completely New material below
-Anyway, back to this idea of 'rape-y'. A common misconception is that
'rape-y' implies that supposedly I rape people
-What my friends are actually implying is that supposedly I'm a racist, perverted, paedophile who often enjoys kidnapping, beastiality, incest and gay sex.
-Oh and don't forget rape
-Now there are two rumours that go 'round why they think this of me:
-One's because my middle name's Joseph and they therefore relate me to Joseph Fritzl who imprisoned his daughters in a dungeon as sex slaves.....good man
-The other's because I hate black people, love watching people I don't know get naked, stole and fucked Madeline in Portugal 2007, as well as shagging 8 dogs, a cat, often my family...in their sleep, and have had 13 prostate exams.... all voluntary
-and not to mention for all the times I've heard "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth"
-Someone has woken up the next morning dazed and confused with my cum dripping slowly out their arse
-Some mornings even two people
//Long story *also new*
-but I honestly don't think being 'rape-y's that bad; it just abit of fun
-Get this, right. Last night I grabbed a woman walking through the same alley I was.
-I put my hand around her mouth, pulled down my trousers and put a gun to her head.
-"Right, your gonna suck my cock" I whispered
-"Try to bite it, I'll blow your head off. Try to fight me off, I'll blow your head off.
Just do as I say and you won't be harmed"
-She was crying as I shoved her head down, keeping my gun there as she sucked to the best of her ability, in order to save her life.
- Then I grabbed her, shoved her against the wall and sucked her tits, biting her nipples, keeping one hand over her mouth, and always with the gun by her head.
-Then I went for the Jack pot, I pulled her underwear down, and fucked her as hard as I could, no empathy for her what so ever
-I knew I was nearly finished so I pulled out and finished myself off, cuming all over her chest and tits
-They were slightly bleeding where I'd been biting.
-Then, before I disappeared into the darkness, I pointed the gun right between her eyes and whispered "Bang"
-I pulled the trigger and I before I knew it, she got proper soaked with my water pistol
-Me and my practical jokes!
//Back to one liners *new*
-I think most of you in the audience will agree with me here:
-Consent is such a turn off
-but when you think about it...is it even rape if she cums too?
-Is it even rape if you don't wake them up?
-Surely it's not rape if you leave a fiver
-but the real question is...is it even rape if it wags its tail?
-I realise that most comedians aren't like me
-they try to be more relatable with their audiences so I'm gunna see if I can relate with any of the audience members here
-What d'you get if two Muslims hop on the same train you're on?
-Off
-I mean don't get me wrong, I like Muslims, but after feeling suicidal over my bad breakup last year
-I called up the Islamic Samaritans for advice but they just got excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane
-Of course I can fly a plane, my Dad's a pilot, I basically grew up in his cockpit
I think I've defiantly done well to develop this new material but feel like I'm losing direction so I'm going to practice and revise what I've got to check the length, considering, hopefully, there will be pauses for laughs. For my final piece I'd like the routine to go on for about ten minutes but five minutes at the least.
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