-It's the punchline
-So I'm kinda new to comedy, so I'd like to introduce myself:
-I'm Danny Lambert and my friends often call me 'just abit rape-y'
-Now, rape, it can't be that bad, I mean statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
-and I know Dark humour isn't everyone's cup of liquidised dead baby...
-but if you expected me to tea, this performance certainly wont be PG.
-Talking of PG, I like to think me and that Monkey Puppet from the adverts are actually quite similar,
-I mean despite making fat, mentally challenged men tea every morning
-It's actually rare we don't have some greasey 40 year old man's hand up our arse
-I try, I try so hard not to be rape-y! but I think it all started last year with my ex....
-we was trying abit of role-playing for the first time, I was positioned like this, and she wanted me to play my father
-I thought it was abit weird but I went with it
-Fucking bitch wasn't happy when I left her for her six year old sister
-I'm so sad we broke up
-She was so great in bed for a six year old
-and you know it's a bad Valentine's Day when the lamppost at the end of the road gets more cards and flowers than you do.
-and you know it's been a worse Valentine's Day when you shoot your super model girlfriend assuming she's an intruder
-I actually got an accidental Valentine's text, it read:
-Hi honey, on my way home now, can't wait for a special valentines dinner, Love you loads
-kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, Kiss.
-Aww I thought it was so sweet so being Valentine's Day I thought I'd have a bit of fun so I text back
-Don't bother, I don't love you, you're a cunt and I've have been shagging your eldest daughter.
-Should have seen my Mum's face when she got home.
-About my sister, I think it's a girl thing right, but she always makes it really obvious when she's on her period
-I know because my Dad's cock tastes like blood.
-Anyway, back to this idea of 'rape-y'. A common misconception is that
'rape-y' implies that supposedly I rape people
-What my friends are actually implying is that supposedly I'm a racist, perverted, paedophile who often enjoys kidnapping, beastiality, incest and gay sex.
-Oh and don't forget rape
-Now there are two rumours that go 'round why they think this of me:
-One's because my middle name's Joseph and they therefore relate me to Joseph Fritzl who imprisoned his daughters in a dungeon as sex slaves.....good man
-The other's because I hate black people, love watching people I don't know get naked, stole and fucked Madeline in Portugal 2007, as well as shagging 8 dogs, a cat, often my family...in their sleep, and have had 13 prostate exams.... all voluntary
-and not to mention for all the times I've heard "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth"
-Someone has woken up the next morning dazed and confused with my cum dripping slowly out their arse
-Some mornings even two people
-but I honestly don't think being 'rape-y's that bad; it just abit of fun
-Get this, right. Last night I grabbed a woman walking through the same alley I was.
-I put my hand around her mouth, pulled down my trousers and put a gun to her head.
-"Right, your gonna suck my cock" I whispered
-"Try to bite it, I'll blow your head off. Try to fight me off, I'll blow your head off.
Just do as I say and you won't be harmed"
-She was crying as I shoved her head down, keeping my gun to her head as she sucked to the best of her ability, in order to save her life.
- Then I grabbed her, shoved her against the wall and sucked her tits, biting her nipples, keeping one hand over her mouth, and always with the gun by her head.
-Then I went for the Jack pot, I pulled her underwear down, and fucked her as hard as I could, no empathy for her what so ever
-I knew I was nearly finished so I pulled out and finished myself off, cuming all over her chest and tits
-They were slightly bleeding where I'd been biting.
-Then, before I disappeared into the darkness, I pointed the gun right between her eyes and whispered "Bang"
-I pulled the trigger and I before I knew it, she got proper soaked with my water pistol
-Me and my practical jokes!
-I think most of you in the audience will agree with me here:
-Consent is such a turn off
-but when you think about it...is it even rape if she cums too?
-Is it even rape if you don't wake them up?
-Surely it's not rape if you leave a fiver
-but the real question is...is it even rape if it wags its tail?
-I realise that most comedians aren't like me
-they try to be more relatable with their audiences so I'm gunna see if I can relate with any of the audience members here
-What d'you get if two Muslims hop on the same train you're on?
-Off
-I mean don't get me wrong, I like Muslims, but after feeling suicidal over my bad breakup last year
-I called up the Islamic Samaritans for advice but they just got excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane
//New Material
-Thank god I don't, any one heard about the missing Malaysian plane in the news?
-I heard that Malaysian authorities are yet to search a yellow object spotted in Vietnamese waters
-Now some people call me racist but I think it was abit of a harsh thing to call a Chinese person.
-Recently I was mugged by two Chinese blokes on a day trip to London.
-From my description, the police have narrowed it down to around 45,000 people
-It's like trying to play a Chinese version of 'Guess who?'
-Impossible
-As a kid you're told everything's possible but there are so many impossible things in life, for example:
-Ignoring camel toe after you notice it
-Giving yourself a blowie without breaking a rib....we've all tried
-Stapling diarrhoea to a wall.
- and convincing a girl into anal
-When I was with my ex, I tried to convince her into anal all the time
-but she kept telling me it was literally fucking shit
-During sex I tried to slip it in her arse telling her "The wrong hole" is just a matter of opinion
//Long story *new*
-Finally, 2 months ago I took a girl's anal virginity for the first time.....taking men's was just too easy
-I've known this girl basically all my life since our Mums are really close, and have really had a thing for her.
-I hit puberty and have tried it on with her ever since, but with no success
-She's always knocked me back saying that I just wasn't right for her
-Anyway. At a family occasion, I thought I'd try it on again, moving my hand slowly along her leg under the table, and this time I was in luck.
-She wondered into another room so I followed after, there was no one in the room besides us two
-I made my move and before I knew I'd flipped her over and stuck my dick in her arse
-I was pumping away like crazy.
-I couldn't believe it was happening at last.
-After so many years of trying with this girl, and so many years of wanting anal, it was all finally mine
-She was so hot, I'd have loved to have to taken her missionary but I felt I had to go anal
-I mean she's only your cousin from the front
-So there I was, pumping away when suddenly there was a huge crash followed by a creaky door slinging open
-Shocked, I looked around as fast as possible pulling my trousers up, only to see my whole family staring at us with total disgust and shame etched across their faces.
-It was all my fault
-If I hadn't been pumping away so fast at her arse, maybe my arse wouldn't have accidentally knocked the coffin lid off
-Thank you ever so much for listening, you've been a wonderful audience.
-I hope I haven't offended anyone, if I have, then that's just a bonus
-Good Night everybody
I feel really proud with finalising my routine. Since my last development, I've achieved finding a casual way out of the racist jokes aswell as more one liners and a second long story.
-Anyway, back to this idea of 'rape-y'. A common misconception is that
'rape-y' implies that supposedly I rape people
-What my friends are actually implying is that supposedly I'm a racist, perverted, paedophile who often enjoys kidnapping, beastiality, incest and gay sex.
-Oh and don't forget rape
-Now there are two rumours that go 'round why they think this of me:
-One's because my middle name's Joseph and they therefore relate me to Joseph Fritzl who imprisoned his daughters in a dungeon as sex slaves.....good man
-The other's because I hate black people, love watching people I don't know get naked, stole and fucked Madeline in Portugal 2007, as well as shagging 8 dogs, a cat, often my family...in their sleep, and have had 13 prostate exams.... all voluntary
-and not to mention for all the times I've heard "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth"
-Someone has woken up the next morning dazed and confused with my cum dripping slowly out their arse
-Some mornings even two people
-but I honestly don't think being 'rape-y's that bad; it just abit of fun
-Get this, right. Last night I grabbed a woman walking through the same alley I was.
-I put my hand around her mouth, pulled down my trousers and put a gun to her head.
-"Right, your gonna suck my cock" I whispered
-"Try to bite it, I'll blow your head off. Try to fight me off, I'll blow your head off.
Just do as I say and you won't be harmed"
-She was crying as I shoved her head down, keeping my gun to her head as she sucked to the best of her ability, in order to save her life.
- Then I grabbed her, shoved her against the wall and sucked her tits, biting her nipples, keeping one hand over her mouth, and always with the gun by her head.
-Then I went for the Jack pot, I pulled her underwear down, and fucked her as hard as I could, no empathy for her what so ever
-I knew I was nearly finished so I pulled out and finished myself off, cuming all over her chest and tits
-They were slightly bleeding where I'd been biting.
-Then, before I disappeared into the darkness, I pointed the gun right between her eyes and whispered "Bang"
-I pulled the trigger and I before I knew it, she got proper soaked with my water pistol
-Me and my practical jokes!
-I think most of you in the audience will agree with me here:
-Consent is such a turn off
-but when you think about it...is it even rape if she cums too?
-Is it even rape if you don't wake them up?
-Surely it's not rape if you leave a fiver
-but the real question is...is it even rape if it wags its tail?
-I realise that most comedians aren't like me
-they try to be more relatable with their audiences so I'm gunna see if I can relate with any of the audience members here
-What d'you get if two Muslims hop on the same train you're on?
-Off
-I mean don't get me wrong, I like Muslims, but after feeling suicidal over my bad breakup last year
-I called up the Islamic Samaritans for advice but they just got excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane
//New Material
-Thank god I don't, any one heard about the missing Malaysian plane in the news?
-I heard that Malaysian authorities are yet to search a yellow object spotted in Vietnamese waters
-Now some people call me racist but I think it was abit of a harsh thing to call a Chinese person.
-Recently I was mugged by two Chinese blokes on a day trip to London.
-From my description, the police have narrowed it down to around 45,000 people
-It's like trying to play a Chinese version of 'Guess who?'
-Impossible
-As a kid you're told everything's possible but there are so many impossible things in life, for example:
-Ignoring camel toe after you notice it
-Giving yourself a blowie without breaking a rib....we've all tried
-Stapling diarrhoea to a wall.
- and convincing a girl into anal
-When I was with my ex, I tried to convince her into anal all the time
-but she kept telling me it was literally fucking shit
-During sex I tried to slip it in her arse telling her "The wrong hole" is just a matter of opinion
//Long story *new*
-Finally, 2 months ago I took a girl's anal virginity for the first time.....taking men's was just too easy
-I've known this girl basically all my life since our Mums are really close, and have really had a thing for her.
-I hit puberty and have tried it on with her ever since, but with no success
-She's always knocked me back saying that I just wasn't right for her
-Anyway. At a family occasion, I thought I'd try it on again, moving my hand slowly along her leg under the table, and this time I was in luck.
-She wondered into another room so I followed after, there was no one in the room besides us two
-I made my move and before I knew I'd flipped her over and stuck my dick in her arse
-I was pumping away like crazy.
-I couldn't believe it was happening at last.
-After so many years of trying with this girl, and so many years of wanting anal, it was all finally mine
-She was so hot, I'd have loved to have to taken her missionary but I felt I had to go anal
-I mean she's only your cousin from the front
-So there I was, pumping away when suddenly there was a huge crash followed by a creaky door slinging open
-Shocked, I looked around as fast as possible pulling my trousers up, only to see my whole family staring at us with total disgust and shame etched across their faces.
-It was all my fault
-If I hadn't been pumping away so fast at her arse, maybe my arse wouldn't have accidentally knocked the coffin lid off
-Thank you ever so much for listening, you've been a wonderful audience.
-I hope I haven't offended anyone, if I have, then that's just a bonus
-Good Night everybody
I feel really proud with finalising my routine. Since my last development, I've achieved finding a casual way out of the racist jokes aswell as more one liners and a second long story.
